Popov & Ramen

Imagine your probable hepatitis every time I get a text message? No thanks.

2009-06-09T20:40:00.004-04:00

I need a new cell phone and found one I wanted on Craigstlist and asked the dude to send a picture but he said it was already packed in the box so I was just like F it and drove over there.I walk into his apartment and am instantly hit by a putrid smell. It's one of those that you can tell isn't there because someone just dumped iffy milk down the drain — it was definitely ingrained in the place

Know what’s a good feeling?

2009-02-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

Waking up Sunday afternoon, remnants of eye liner applied Friday evening still lingering beneath your eyes, with the realization that you have been wearing pajamas for an uninterrupted 33 hours.This is the life I hope for my children.

Ew

2008-11-19T17:02:00.002-05:00

I was at the Daily early Friday around 2 a.m. when I got texts from my housemate saying that my other two housemates were a drunken mess. I wrapped up what I was doing and sped home.One of the implicated housemates could have still been a drunken mess once I got home, but I wouldn't have known because she was in her room hooking up with a boy from the bar.Housemate #2 was throwing up in the

McDonalds' profits are down 89 cents this quarter because I am so awesome

2008-07-27T11:30:00.008-04:00

At around 1:30 a.m. last night, I drunkenly got separated / wandered away from my friends in Adams Morgan, a popular bar area in DC. But as opposed to finding them, calling them, or executing a rational thought process, I asked a man on the street where that McDonalds I saw on the way over was.I located the Golden Arches and I'm fairly certain that seven to ten drug deals were going down in the

I sang Seal and that "Summer Nights" song from Grease, so I'm definitely the expert on this

2008-07-20T22:26:00.004-04:00

Near the Dupont Circle area of D.C., there is a dingy sushi bar called Cafe Japone. If one were blindfolded and walked in, he might assume the venue was an abandoned cheese factory. It looks like the sort of place where a prostitute grabs some drinks with friends on her night off (do prostitutes get nights off?).But what Cafe Japone lacks in ventilation and seat cushions manufactured in the 21st

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY JUST SAY IT

2008-07-15T10:57:00.007-04:00

I'm pretty tired of Facebook calling me fat. Their marketing system has astutely determined that I am a perfect candidate to receive ads promoting Arrested Development T-shirts and waxing treatments, so who am I to think I shouldn't be seeing the ones that say "Love handles?" or "21 and fat?" either? Honestly, they show up like every other page.Of greater concern is what my Gmail thinks about me.

Overweight adolescent girls love to wear the color lavender

2008-07-01T23:47:00.001-04:00

Usually paired with white Keds.Just an observation.

My sister says that last night I begged the cab driver to sing Chris Brown with me on the way home from the bar

2008-06-22T17:01:00.005-04:00

He didn't know who that was, but I guess that just made me sing "With You" louder. I'm surprised at myself for deviating away from my usual tendency to engage cab drivers in conversations about their hopes and dreams or give long-winded background stories about whoever I might be texting.I shouldn't have to pay cab drivers to drive me home when I'm drunk. They can pay me for that privilege.

"Flirty Mango" Shaving Cream: Not Just For Horny Eighth Graders

2008-06-08T16:41:00.005-04:00

In what I will now refer to as the worst decision of my life, a few days ago I knowingly purchased the "Flirty Mango" flavor of shaving cream. Let me defend myself here for a second.FIRST of all, my mother always buys about 40 bottles of shaving cream at a time when it goes on sale in order to save an average of 15 cents per bottle, so this is probably like.....the second time in my life I've

I'm going to die

2008-05-20T23:24:00.002-04:00

I'm sleeping on my friend's couch in D.C. for 3 weeks. About a day after arriving here, though, a mouse also decided to move in (and no, there is no correlation between the events and the three hours I spent on the carpet shoveling chips and dip into my mouth had nothing to do with it. But honestly, it didn't. I don't think).We've been too lazy to address the problem, though, but I'm fairly

Don't forget "a penchant for frozen dinners" and "not showering"

2008-05-08T02:22:00.006-04:00

The following comic was posted on Freakonomics, a blog several times sweeter than this one:What an alarmingly acute illustration of why I own twelve pairs.

Question

2008-03-23T23:48:00.004-04:00

Has anyone EVER actually enjoyed or looked forward to consuming a yellow Starburst? Like, think back to the last time you've bought a pack of Starburst from a vending machine and your vulture friends pounce on you. DOES ANYONE ASK FOR A YELLOW?No. Because it tastes like shit.It is a well-known fact that in packs of Starburst, the yellow ones are basically like paying your dues to eat the better

Spring cleaning with a side of tetanus

2008-03-07T01:02:00.004-05:00

It was about 2:30 a.m. and as I was sick and exhausted, all I wanted to do was go to bed.After washing up, I was leaving my bathroom when my shower caught my eye. This shower is shared by five girls and literally has not been cleaned once this entire year. Last night, something in me snapped.I took off my slippers, rolled up my pajama pants and went to work scrubbing the whole thing. It was lined

I'd Rather Get Toxic Shock Syndrome Than Think About How To Measure My Period Blood

2008-02-28T17:13:00.011-05:00

As much as I appreciate Tampax Pearl's concern for my safety, their little chart detailing which size tampon to use in order to decrease the risk of TSS is sort of repulsive. In case you haven't taken the time to cut it out and stick it to your refrigerator, the chart, printed prominently on the side of the box, lists the "absorbency range" for each size tampon, measured in grams.So, like, if

I Don't Even Care If This Blog Post Precludes Me From Running For Public Office Because I Obviously Don't Deserve To Win

2008-01-06T20:00:00.002-05:00

Let me preface the following story by making a few general statements. First, and most importantly, I do not have even a flash, glimmer or shade of recall of a single event I'm about to describe. Once you read the story, I'm confident you'll agree with me it's probably for the best that this is the case. Secondly, I'm aware my life sucks. And thirdly, I invite you to judge me. Heavily. I'm

There Is Literally Not A Single Person In The Country Watching The HBO Signature Channel Right Now

2007-11-11T13:36:00.000-05:00

Here's a question: How did a movie entitled "Phat Girlz" make it from the backpack of a 13 year old who just listened to Chris Rock stand-up for the first time and into the hands of Hollywood movie producers? No really though. Phat Girlz? PHAT GIRLZ? Of all the aspiring screenwriters and all the creativity that flows into the movie industry, how does something like Phat Girlz come to fruition?

My Mom Writes E-Mails With The Childlike Wonder Of An Eleven Year Old

2007-11-10T01:47:00.002-05:00

My mom sent this e-mail to my Dad, sister and me. We get these all the time. Like ten minutes after she sends it, she'll usually call and say "Did you get my e-mail???" I hope I end up like this.Good Morning Everyone! OK --this is BIG!!! I have had it on my to-do list to go buy this book ("Staying Young"--a new Oprah hottie) for Sossy who just had foot surgery--thinking need to buy it--then

"The Leaders And The Best" Should Actually Be Changed To "People Who Have Less Value To Society Than Tree Bark"

2007-11-09T01:07:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting in the stacks right now (a part of the library where there's all these tiny personal rooms/cubicles that are just as good for quiet studying as they are for slutty freshmen girls to give blow jobs in) and reading all the little notes people have written on the ventilator. Obviously these little tidbits of wisdom and sentiments of deep, human emotion can be found absolutely everywhere,

Putting On My New Laptop Keyboard > Rape

2007-11-02T13:26:00.001-04:00

So we've been moved into our house since August 28th and are still lacking basic luxuries like...oh let's see...wholly functioning sinks, door locks, and lights. There is no industry so corrupt as the Ann Arbor student housing market.However, twenty threatening-but-really-not-so-threatening-because-what- the-fuck-are-we-gonna-do-about-it phone calls later, our landlords decide to send a

I Don't Speak English

2007-10-29T11:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my friend was talking about how she likes guys who are ambitious. In reference to her boyfriend, I asked "Is Andrew ambitionous?"After we briefly locked eyes and subsequently broke into laughter, I berated myself for my presidential-esque word slaughter, but I wasn't laughing on the inside. I was desperately grasping around my brain, trying to arrive at the correct word. Fifteen

All I Wanted To Know Is If I Could Eat My Ham Sandwich

2007-10-23T20:47:00.000-04:00

I've had this lunch meat in the fridge for at the VERY least two weeks, but it says it's good until mid November, but I don't know if that means since it's been opened, etc etc etc. Throwing caution to the wind and deciding to live life on the edge, I made myself a sandwich. I'm eating it right now. I'm having second thoughts.I figured that Google might help me in my quest to determine if my next

FACT: Beef Flavored Ramen Is Absolutely Disgusting

2007-10-21T23:30:00.001-04:00

Seriously, though. Who BUYS that shit? It blows my mind. If I were the owner of a retail grocery chain, I would not allow it to be stocked on my shelves because I would be embarrassed and ashamed to aid in the distribution of such a catastrophe of a food product. Freshman year, this kid across the hall had like six packs of it and asked if I wanted it. Though I was obviously very skeptical, as a

At This Very Second, I Am Staring At 29 Pairs Of Tits

2007-10-20T04:02:00.001-04:00

I was at the Daily office tonight for 11 hours in order to elect the new Editor in Chief. As in...I got there at 5 p.m., and I pulled into my driveway at 3:46 a.m. I came home exhausted and pissed. That is, until I walked into my room, where I had these ladies to greet me.In case there's any confusion, NO, I do NOT usually have cutouts from Victoria's Secret plastered to my wall emblazoned with

If Being Sick Means I Get To Whine All Day, Then Hand Over The Dayquil

2007-10-18T22:09:00.000-04:00

My entire life, I have made conscious efforts to not be a complainer. My entire life, I have also made conscious efforts to like people who complain...not at all. However, when I get sick, I view it as a special little freebie (similar to the time that I lost my first [of several] hamsters somewhere in my home [never to be found, presumed dead] and then just yelled at my mom all day). I like to

The World's Most Crackable Code For "I Hate My Life"

2007-10-17T19:57:00.001-04:00

I am sick and tired of reading cute little quotes on girls' AIM and Facebook profiles that (poorly)(really really poorly) attempt to provide some explanation for why they are single. The most common offenders:"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they

Sobering Thoughts From A Sober Game Day

2007-10-06T16:40:00.001-04:00

Save for heading up to the games with Daddy when I was younger (and even then, I was high on the prospect of moving out of the house and going to college), never have I experienced a Michigan football Saturday without enjoying, at the bare minimum, a healthy little buzz....Incidentally, the level usually achieved is more along the lines of "too sloppy to last past half time," but you can't win '

Where I'm Going To Meet My Husband

2007-10-05T02:36:00.001-04:00

Riiiiiiiiiiighttttttttt....................Here. That's right. The Rubik's Cube World Championship is off to Hungary, and I'm booking my flight. If all goes according to plan, I'll be canceling my return ticket home because I'll be too busy starting a new life and cube-ing with my soul mate.By the way, I'm not going to Hungary. But I WILL be entertaining vivid daydreams of what it would be like

Dear Sir: You Have Bad Acne And I Wish You'd Stop Talking To Yourself In Class

2007-10-03T21:39:00.000-04:00

There are some real douche bags around these parts. There's one in particular, though, who has that extra oomph that just begs me to give him dirtier looks than the others. He's in my econ class. I don't know his name -- nor do I intend to -- but for ease of writing, let's just call him Raymond. For whatever reason, when I hear "Raymond," I think "douche bag."For a visual: Raymond is Asian,

Things That Are More Important Than Studying For My First Econ Midterm

2007-10-01T01:57:00.000-04:00

Buying this:And also this:I'll be interested to see how this all (and by "this all" i mean "shopping online for novelties as opposed to placing any sort of value on my education") pans out. My prediction would be "not favorably." But at least I'll look good...and have a mug that accurately and succinctly describes my feelings.

If Now Isn't The Time For Me To Commit Suicide, I'd Like For Someone To Tell Me When Is

2007-08-21T18:44:00.001-04:00

This morning, I was FREAKING OUT. My school's website was down, rendering my main e-mail account hopelessly and utterly inaccessible. I attacked the refresh button. I harassed my friends to make sure they were suffering the same category 5 catastrophe as I was. They were. I even tried to enter that fucking domain through a third party website. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Every time my Mozilla browser

The Quickest Way To Make Me Blackball Your Product or Service

2007-08-06T23:35:00.001-04:00

A few times now, I have seen this commercial for Ditech, some company that I know nothing about, other than that it sucks for the reason I am about to explain. The very first words, spoken in an upbeat, everyone-already-knows-this-so-it doesn't-even-have-to-be-stated tone, are: "People are smart."EH EH EH. (That was my most earnest attempt at transliterating the archetypal gameshow "WRONG" buzzer

I Am Going To Make A Purse Out Of Your Small Fucking Dog

2007-06-18T10:08:00.000-04:00

No honestly. New York City is INFESTED with small dogs. It is terrible. Has it always been like this? Did, in tackling the crime wave of the 1990's, one epidemic simply get replaced with another? Quite frankly, I'd rather have the murders.In expressing my dwindling ability to tolerate these overgrown rats, my friend offered the insight that since most New Yorkers live in apartments, they don't

What?? I obviously just felt dirty.

2007-06-15T11:56:00.000-04:00

Time line of my day so far: 8:00 a.m.: Hear my alarm. Groan. Loudly.8:05 a.m.: Hear my alarm again. Groan again. Louder.8:10 a.m.: Hear my alarm again. Feel a rough shove to my side from my roommate, which is just about the last thing I need.8:11 a.m.: Realize that there is a towel around my head and that my hair is damp. Remember that I took a shower

It Is Only A Matter Of Time Before I Get Found In An Alley Without My Shoes

2007-06-06T10:59:00.000-04:00

I am honestly done for. I walk around New York City with this wide-eyed, "What the fuck is going on?" look, and I can just see it in people's eyes. They are excited. They are excited because they have found the perfect prey to rob and rape. Maybe a little pillaging too, I'm not sure if that's popular around here. When I walk around the streets I sort of just wrap my arms around myself and hug my

This Morning I Woke Up With My Left Foot Bloody, My Right Leg Bloody, And A Chunk Of Vomit In My Hair

2007-06-02T14:39:00.001-04:00

I don't think my night went very well.

I Don't Care About You And You Don't Care About Me And That's Okay

2007-05-30T22:04:00.000-04:00

I have come to a conclusion and it's not profound. In fact, I think just about everyone has come to this very same conclusion, but for some reason it is simply not verbalized enough. So here it is, in plain words:The world would be a much better place if we all just realized that nobody -- other than family, loved ones, and tipsy people trying to get laid -- gives a shit about our lives.I cannot

I Refer To "The Notebook" When Making Major Life Decisions

2007-05-29T23:38:00.000-04:00

Today I was trying to work out a personal issue (bOyZ!!!) and after coming to a conclusion, involuntarily recalled a similar situation from The Notebook and, subsequently, changed my course of action based on what occurred in the movie.And that's when I realized that my parents never tied together some loose ends while raising me.Whatever, okay? JUST because the thought originated from a movie

The Thought Process Of A Moth

2007-05-21T18:50:00.000-04:00

"Okay, this sounds like a good idea: Let's go ahead and bypass the literally dozens of sweaters that have been barren for about a decade and were undoubtedly purchased from Gap Kids and instead eat about seven holes into the brand new cashmere sweater so that when Lisa puts it on in the morning in a rush to get to work, she can be almost out the door until she looks down and discovers that her

Breaking Down The C.B.G.

2007-05-16T20:09:00.000-04:00

Back in high school, a couple of my friends and I coined an acronym that we still use on an almost daily basis. It's called "C.B.G.," and it was originally developed to denote "Creepy Bathroom Girl."Let me explain.Nobody likes to shit in public bathrooms. Furthermore, nobody likes it when other people shit in public bathrooms. And yet...it happens. If you're lucky, you can find a

I Should Stop Administering Minor Burns Around The Office

2007-05-15T23:09:00.000-04:00

Today was a fun day. There was nothing to do at work, so for seven hours and forty five minutes I decided to play helicopter. Helicopter is a fun, stimulating game, and nothing else is quite as entertaining to me unless it's this:This shit is absolutely great and once you get your hands on it, you know that your life for the next twenty-five minutes will never be the same. Compressed air is

My Hips Don't Lie: I've Put On Weight

2007-05-13T22:07:00.000-04:00

Okay well maybe somebody could have subtly hinted that using the excuse of "I just ate a huge meal, it'll go away" for the past 5 weeks wasn't really legitimate. I've officially put on ten pounds (BUT let's bear in mind that I WAS wearing boxer shorts and a size medium t-shirt when I weighed myself). I am now the girl who put on ten pounds. Luckily for me my small frame and previously sensual "

Life Hits A Low When You're Eating Soapy Ramen

2007-05-11T20:58:00.000-04:00

I stole my housemate's package of Ramen noodles primarily for sustenance. I put the noodles in a bowl, put water in the bowl, and put the bowl in the microwave for 3 minutes. I took it out and there were tons of soap bubbles covering the entire surface of my Ramen.It tasted like shit.I ate the whole thing.Life blows.

Maybe I'll Go To Law School Just So My Mom Will Make My Favorite Foods More Often

2007-05-09T21:22:00.001-04:00

Ever since I've been in about seventh grade my parents have continually hounded me regarding "What I might want to do later in life."First off, that's a stupid question because everybody already KNOWS that what I "might want to do later in life" is play online backgammon. No influential professor or dynamic internship can change that. But furthermore, it's a trick question. My mother (I'll

Apparently, I Am Here To Do Your Job

2007-05-07T19:40:00.000-04:00

For the past three days, I have worked tirelessly on a project that I am not qualified to even look at -- let alone work on tirelessly. I am formatting and designing the student magazine for an area high school that our firm does for free just to be nice, I guess.Usually, my jobs around the office involve proofreading, editing, writing, putting smaller boxes into bigger boxes, and other tasks

Last Night Black Men Stomped The Yard On My Porch

2007-04-23T04:03:00.001-04:00

Black people are absolutely amazing. In fact, I think that the entire black race can be summed up in precisely four words:A Good Fucking Time.Across the street from my house, there was a raging party at a black frat's senior house happening all day long. At one point I was looking out my window and a sedan drove by with who I assumed to be three of the brothers LAYING on top of it.Accordingly,

Youtube Is Better Than Real Life

2007-04-21T12:29:00.000-04:00

Welp, I am officially halfway done with my college career. I am ecstatic. I plan on spending the next 10 days of my life swiftly migrating between bed, fridge, couch, and porch chair. No other alternate routes will be explored -- END OF STORY.Yesterday I nearly shattered my entire Ikea desk (the Swedes are not the craftiest builders I don't think, so this might not be AS HUGE of a feat as it may

"If I look like a man who made love to his wife last night, it's because I almost did"

2007-04-13T00:21:00.000-04:00

Arrested Development is the greatest show the world has ever seen. Every single harrowing news report, impending environmental catastrophe warning and testing of nuclear missiles are not nearly as concerning to me as the fact that the show got canceled. THAT, my friends, is the real sign that WE ARE ALL FUCKED.Honestly, that show is sheer brilliance. It's beyond ingenious. It's past perfection

Why Does Everyone Have To Be Stupid?

2007-03-09T01:51:00.000-05:00

I would have liked to start out this post by saying something like "Recently I have been hearing all sorts of stupid comments" but that would be a flagrant lie. Ever since I could comprehend speech (which was at a very young age, because I am so brilliant) I have been hearing all sorts of stupid comments. Everyone is stupid. Everyone but me.I was sitting in my seat on the airplane after landing.

Good News!!!!! I Have Scabies.

2007-03-08T02:18:00.000-05:00

Did you just fail a huge Orgo exam? Has it recently come to light that your whore of a girlfriend is secretly giving hand jobs to half the track team? Just find out your mom doesn't love you anymore?Well don't worry! Pick that head up! Everything could be a lot worse!For example, you could have scabies.Today I found out that I have scabies. This is interesting because a) I am not a dog and b) I

All Of Me Hurts

2007-03-07T02:08:00.000-05:00

Tonight I played intramural broomball. It is a vicious game that I believe the University of Michigan has developed to thin its student body of weaklings in order to make way for more Asians. Thousands and thousands of Asians.The game is as follows: Hockey rink, gym shoes, hockey-stick-like-sticks, ball, nets, death.Our team lost, and I'm really pissed about it. I'm also pissed about the fact

THERE IS SO MUCH FOOD IN MY REFRIGERATOR

2006-11-23T01:44:00.000-05:00

Today, I went home to my parent's house. While on its surface this might seem like a simple task, it was not.Obstacle Number One: my fish. I have a fish, and I don't know why. However, the fact of the matter is that I am in charge of another living organism, and I'll be damned if I can't keep that son of a bitch alive. About 5 minutes before leaving and as I was throwing the last random shirt